Liquid's Punishment Apocalypse
by Liquid
Summary: After surviving the hive, Liquid must now escape from raccoon city
1. Evacuation

The television monitor came to life for a second, and then cut off again.  
"No". Liquid said. "You have to push the button.  
The screen came on again, showed some static, and cut off again.  
"God damn it". Liquid said. "The red button". "It's the only damn red button on the entire damn camera.  
The screen came back on, this time showing Liquid's face.  
"Am I on"? He asked. "Ok, good.  
The screen cut out again.  
"You stupid fuck"! Liquid yelled. "When the light is on, the camera is recording"! "Push the fucking god damn button, and aim the camera at my face, is that so fucking hard, you gimpy little invalid!  
The screen came back on, showing Liquid.  
"That's better". He said. "Ah-hem, my name is Liquid, and I want to fill yall in on some bullshit that's been going down in Raccoon City". "How do I know this, you ask"? "Because I got stuck right in the middle of the worst zombie nightmare ever imagineable, that's how I know about it, you stupid couch potato mother fuckers!  
The camera began to move to the side.  
"What the fuck are you doing"? Liquid yelled as the camera was corrected. "Can't you even hold a camera in one spot"! "It's not like I'm asking you to solve the anti-life equasion or anything"! "Now, as I was saying...it's all Chuck Norris's fault"! "FUCKING CHUCK NORRIS!  
Liquid took a second to calm down.  
"Anyway". He continued. "Let's start at the beginning.

An entire wagon train of PT Cruisers entered the city through the only way in or out. Does anyone else see a problem with this? Anyway, once they hit an intersection, all of the viehicals split off in different directions towards their targets. But one of the viehicals turned the wrong way down a one way street, crashing into a garbage truck.  
"What the fuck are you doing"! The passenger yelled.  
"Driving, man". Ray Charles replied. "Jus driving.  
"Are you fucking blind?  
"Well, yeah.  
"You just hit a god damn garbage truck!  
"Oh, I thought that was a speed bump.  
"Whatever, just get us back onto 34th street.  
"Ok, I'll just take a left back onto 34th street...or it could be main street for all I know.  
He put it into reverse, and stomped the gas, running over a hot dog stand, and stopping right in the path of an oncoming train.

The first PT cruiser stopped at a nice house, and two men in business suits got out. It was none other then Reno and Rude from Final Fantasy 7 Advent Children.  
"Ok". Reno said. "We need to get some guy named Redfield". "Ever heard of him?  
"Nope". Rude replied as they walked up to the door. "How could we know anyone"? "We've been on the job for a whole 2 days.  
"Right, but better then working for Shinra.  
He tried the door, but it was locked.  
"Stand aside, little man". Rude said as he leaned back.  
He slammed his head into the door, but it was metal, so Rude was knocked on his ass.  
Reno started laughing, and leaned on the door. It then fell off the hinges, making him fall into the house.  
After they got up, they went in, and heard some moaning from in the bedroom.  
"Hey". Rude whispered. "Are they having sex?  
"Nah". Reno replied. "There would be other sounds.  
"Like what?  
"Well, from what I heard about this Redfield guy, he would sound grateful, and she would sound fake.  
"Oh, ok"..."Maybe he's whackin it.  
"Then we should do the decent thing, and give him some privacy.  
Without missing a beat, they kicked the door open, and ran inside.  
"What the fuck"! They asked.  
Chris was handcuffed naked to the bed, with a gag in his mouth. There was shaving cream all over him, and a bananna shoved halfway up his ass.  
Reno took off the gag.  
"Thank god"! Chris yelled. "I've been here for three days!  
"What the fuck happened"? Reno asked.  
"Jill handcuffed me to the bed, did this fucked up shit to me, took my wallet, and left.  
Reno and Rude started laughing.  
"Shut up"! Chris yelled. "Get me out of here!  
They walked out of the room.  
"HEY"! Chris screamed. "HEY!  
Rude walked back in a moment later.  
"I knew you wouldn't leave me here". Chris said with relief.  
Rude then took out the camera, snapped a picture, and then laughed as he walked away.  
"HEY"! Chris screamed. "COME BACK!  
They got back into the cruiser, and drove down the street.  
"Who's next"? Rude asked.  
"Some kid". Reno replied. "Turn left here.  
Rude cranked the wheel to the left, forcing an ice-cream truck off the road.  
Dozens of kids decended onto the helpless truck, dragging out the driver, and kicking him in the nuts as they took the ice-cream.

Another PT cruiser drove up to an insanly large house. It appeared to be some kind of a school.  
The men got out, and kicked open the door.  
"Professer Xavier". One man said.  
"What the hell do you want"? Xavier asked.  
"There's been an accident, sir.  
"Damn it, I told Scott to wear the pull-ups.  
"Mommy, wow"! Cyclops screamed as he ran down the hall. "I'm a big kid, now!  
"Not that kind of an accident". The man replied. "The kind involving flesh eating monsters.  
"How the fuck did that happen?  
"Well, there was as incident in the hive". "Someone served the chilie special.  
"THOES FOOLS!  
"You have to come with us, sir.  
"Alright, but we have to get my daughter.  
"Doesn't she go to school here?  
"Fuck no, I wouldn't make my own daughter go to school with these freaks.  
Storm suddenly came out from under his blanket, and wiped off her mouth.  
"We aren't freaks". She said. "We are just special.  
Xavier slapped her.  
"Did I say you could stop"? He asked. "Get back down there or you'll spend the rest of your life thinking you're Don Knots.  
The men grabbed his chair, and started wheeling him out.  
"Hey". He said. "I wasn't done". "Now, you suffer!  
He looked at the man, and made the bitter beer face.  
"You don't have any powers, do you"? He asked.  
"No". Xavier said as he hung his head.  
"Then how did you end up here?  
"I used to be Captain of the Enterprise.  
They put him in the cruiser, and drove off.

In school, Angela kicked the teacher in the shins, and bashed another kid's head into the desk.  
"What"? She asked. "You can't do shit to me, because my dad's the richest man in Raccoon City.  
"Excuse me". Reno said as they walked in. "We need to take Angela.  
"Oh, thank god". The teacher said.  
"Don't you need a note or something?  
"No, no, please just take her and go.  
"But we could be serial killers, or rapists or something.  
"Ah, if only it were true.  
They put Angela in the cruiser, and started driving. She instantly started messing with the radio, and every button she could find.  
"Stop that". Reno said.  
"Fuck you". She replied. "My dad's rich, so I can do whatever I want.  
She started bouncing around the cruiser, screaming and yelling non stop for 5 minutes.  
"SHUT UP"! Reno screamed.  
She continued on for another ten minutes, until Rude swerved in front of an oncoming fire engine.  
It struck the cruiser, sending it fliping over as it crashed into the wall.  
"What the fuck is wrong with you"? A fireman asked the driver.  
"Why do you people keep making me drive"? Ray Charles asked as they crashed into another car. 


	2. A Normal Day In Raccoon City

The six armed men stood in front of the hive enterance.  
"Does anyone else see a problem with this"? One man asked as the leader started entering the code.  
"Be quiet, rookie". He replied.  
"I mean, what's in there"? "What's gonna happen when we open that door?  
The leader bitch slapped him.  
"I don't know what's gonna happen when we open that door". He replied. "But I do know what happens to thoes that disobay Chuck Norris.  
He pushed the last number, and the door slid open.  
"Decoy, er, uh, advance team forward". The leader said.  
The first three walked in.  
"What do you see on the motion detector"? One asked.  
"Hard to tell". Two replied. "It looks like hundreds of winding hallways that all need to be cleared out before we can advance to another level". "But be careful, I see four enemies coming from seperate directions.  
Three looked at the screen, and smacked Two in the head.  
"That's pac-man, retard". He said. "Switch to the motion detector.  
"Oh, ok". Two replied as he pushed a button.  
"What do you see"? One asked.  
"I see three green dots completely surrounded by fast moving red dots.  
The zombies were on them before they could do anything else.

Officer Prayter pushed a young man into the holding cell, and slammed the door.  
"Ok, bitches". He said. "I got a fresh fish for ya.  
The other two prisoners grabbed him, and pushed him against the door.  
"HELP, HELP"! He screamed.  
In response to this, Prayter took a small bible out of his pocket, and held it on his own forehead.  
"Get behind me, satan"! He yelled. "Get behind me!  
The prisoners released him, and cowered in the corner.  
"Oh, thank you". The young man said. "Thank you.  
"There is a price for the lord's help". Prayter replied. "The lord speaks to me, and reveals all.  
"What is it?  
"For your salvation the lord says...one hundred dollars.  
"NO WAY!  
"Ok then.  
He put the bible away, and the prisoners grabbed the young man again.  
"I'll pay it"! He yelled.  
Prayter took out the bible again.  
"Get behind me, satan"! He yelled. "Get behind me!  
They released him, and he gave Prayter all of his money. Then Prayter started laughing as he put the bible away.  
"A fool and his money are soon parted". He said as he walked away.  
"NOOOOOOOO"! The young man screamed as the prisoners tackled him.

Two officers were standing in front of the doors.  
"So he says rectum". One said as he sipped the coffie. "Damn near killed him.  
They started laughing, but then the doors were kicked open, knocking them to the floor as Jill barged in.  
"IT BURNS"! He screamed as the coffie melted his flesh. "OH GOD IT BURNS!  
She went up the stairs, and met another officer.  
"Hey, Valentine". He said. "Lookin good today.  
Without warning she punched him in the jaw, kicked him in the nuts, and tossed him down the stairs. Then she kicked open the door to the reception area, where a screaming man was trying to fight off a zombie.  
"Don't move". She said as she aimed.  
She fired, killing the screaming man.  
"Damn". She said. "Always pulls to the left.  
She fired three more times, killing three more people.  
"Valentine"! The chief screamed as he ran in. "What in the cherry pie covered hell are you doing?  
"It's a zombie nightmare". She replied. "But don't worry, I know how to stop it.  
She continued to fire at the zombie, and when she stopped, everyone else in the room was dead, except for the zombie.  
"What the fuck"? Prayter asked as he walked in.  
"I'm leaving town". She replied. "And you're coming with me.  
He smiled.  
"That's what I'm talkin about"! He said. "I got me a white woman!  
"Cool down, freak show". She replied. "I just need you to watch my back, and be a human shield.  
"You need me for what?  
"To watch my back.  
"Oh, ok.  
"Now, let's go.  
They ran out of the station, and jumped into their car.

"This blows". Liquid said as he walked down a deserted part of the street. "Fucking Chuck Norris, if it was possible, I'd kill him.  
Something moved in an alley, and Liquid fired his shotgun, blowing the bum to holy hell.  
"Oops". He said. "Sorry, are you alright.  
On closer examination he discovered that he had blown off the bum's head. Then he saw the small box in the bum's hand.  
It was a very well decorated small brown and gold puzzle box, and it appeared to be moving.  
"Oh my god". Liquid whispered as it stopped.  
He turned to run, but a wall had appeared in his path.  
"No". He said as a door opened in the wall. "No no no no no no no.  
Pinhead walked out, followed by his three buddies.  
"The box". Pinhead said. "You opened it, and we came". "Now you must come with us.  
"But I didn't open the box". Liquid replied. "That guy did.  
"He is already dead". "So we will take you in his place, Liquid.  
"What are you gonna do to me?  
"Well, for starters I'm gonna take a chain whip, and lash you within an inch of your life". "And then I'm going to have you.  
"You're gonna what!  
They all started laughing.  
"We have such sights to show you". He continued. "We will rape and torture you for an entire month, and only then will we allow you the merciful embrace of death.  
This was not sounding well for Liquid.  
"Well". Liquid said. "That sounds all well and good, but there's just one tiny little flaw in your seemingly perfect plot.  
"There is"? Pinhead asked. "What's that?  
"The fact that I'm a villan, and only the good die young.  
He kicked Pinhead in the nuts, and ran down the alley while the other demons laughed at Pinhead.  
"Shut up"! He ordered.  
"Should we go after him"? One of the others asked.  
"No". "We will meet again before he leaves the city.  
They started laughing again.  
"He kicked you in the nuts". Another one said.  
"Shut the fuck up"! Pinhead screamed. 


	3. The Wall

The entire city was slowly being locked down. Hundreds of people gathered at the last open gate as guards screened them for the virus.  
"My God". Chuck Norris said as he watched from above. "Do you see what I see?  
His aid looked around, and saw only a calm crowd of people trying to get out of the city.  
"What"? He asked.  
Chuck Norris had a look of rage on his face, and he dug his fingernails into the chair.  
"It's a full out riot"! He yelled as he stood up.  
His aid looked again, and saw only a bunch of calm people.  
"It's not a riot, sir". He replied.  
Chuck roundhouse kicked him in the head, killing him.  
"NO ONE QUESTIONS CHUCK NORRIS"! He screamed as he started jumping up and down. "I'M IN CHARGE, I'M IN CHARGE, I'M IN CHARGE!

Jill and Prayter arrived at the gate, and began pushing their way to the front.  
"Hey". Prayter said. "These are our people, Jill.  
"So what"? She asked.  
"We can't just leave them behind.  
"Oh, yes we can.  
He stopped.  
"I have to help the people". He said as patriotic music began to play in the background. "I must make sure that no one get's left behind, I must make sure that the evil lurking in the shadows is beaten back, and I must make sure that pretty little white girls like you make it out safe". "It is my duty as the only positive black character in this whole movie to see this through to the end.  
He would have kept going, but the patriotic music stopped as Jill kicked him in the nuts.  
"Better"? She asked.  
"Yeah". He replied. "What the hell came over me?  
Suddenly a man sneezed.  
"VIRUS"! A guard screamed.  
Six guards gunned him down, and the crowd began to panic.

"THAT'S IT"! Chuck Norris screamed. "We are under attack!  
He ran outside, and grabbed a megaphone after roundhouse kicking the guard who was holding it.  
"IT'S A RIOT"! He screamed. "RELEASE THE HOT OIL!  
The guards began tipping over the pots of hot oil, letting it hit the crowd.  
"Oh, shit"! Prayter yelled. "White folks are dyin, we gettin the fuck outa here!  
He and Jill ran away as the crowd continued to be attacked.

"That's better". Chuck Norris said as he walked back inside.  
Xavior was sitting there.  
"Can you help me get to the helicopter"? He asked.  
"What about your daughter"? Chuck replied.  
"Died in the crash, I'm sure". "Now get me out of here.  
"Sorry, professer, but you can't leave your only daughter behind.  
"But she's dead, and I never liked the little bitch anyway.  
Chuck Norris shook his head, and Xavior started grumbling as he wheeled himself away. He rolled into a computer room, and put on the Cerebro helmet from the X-Men movie.  
"Computer". He said. "Locate Angela Xavior.  
The modom came on, and 15 minutes later it was still loading.  
"God damn it". He grumbled. "I knew I should have switched to road runner.  
"Meep meep"! The road runner said as it flew past him.  
Soon Willy E. Coyote stumbled into the room out of breath.  
"Come back here"! He gasped as he chased him. "Fucking bird never gets tired!

Liquid crept down the street, trying to avoid as many zombies as possible. Last time he had to escape Raccoon City, the zombies were like Agents from the Matrix, and Liquid was a competent martial artist, but his natural cowardis kept him from fighting.  
He came to a store, and kicked the door open.  
Inside was everything that he could ever want. Clothes, weapons, viehicals, cheap alcohol, everything.  
"Help you, can I"? A voice asked.  
Yoda was sitting on the counter.  
"You're alot smaller in person". Liquid said.  
"When my age you reach". He replied. "Look as good, you will not.  
"Oh, yeah"? "Well when MY age you were, look as good, you did not.  
"Smart ass, you are". "Warrior, you are not". "Weapons, I sell, anyway.  
Liquid looked around.  
"Ok". He said. "I want the kawisaki motorcycle, the wesker uniform from RECVX, the sawed off shotgun, and...holy crap, is that a lightsaber?  
"Yes". Yoda replied.  
"Ok, give me the one that Samual L. Jackson used.  
"Purple, it is.  
"Just do it, you creepy little toad man"... "And give me that blender also.  
Yoda put the stuff on the counter.  
"For what, is the blender"? Yoda asked.  
Liquid suddenly grabbed him, stuffed him inside the blender, and put the lid on. Then he pushed the button, making a yoda smoothy.  
"That's for punking out in the third starwars movie, bitch". Liquid said as he put his stuff on. "You could have beaten the emperor, but no, you had to go into exile.  
He finished getting dressed, and got on the bike. Then he fired it up, and drove down the street.

Back at the wall, a phone rang, and Chuck Norris answered.  
"Hello"? He asked.  
"Chuck". Xing replied. "It's Xing.  
"What's going on?  
"Activate the Nemesis Program.  
He pushed a button, and in Raccoon Hospital, Nemesis lay in his bed.  
Suddenly his Mickey Mouse alarm clock went off, and he smashed it with his fist. Then he sat up, and banged his head on the cieling.  
He roared, and started breaking stuff as he ran out of the hospital. 


	4. Third Rate Mercenaries

The umbrella chopper raced across the sky, into the city.  
Nikoli was listening to his headphones, while Carlos and Uri were talking.  
"Hey, Carlos". Uri said. "If you had to choose between fucking a real sheep or a blow up sheep, which one would you pick?  
"You're a sick bastard". Carlos replied. "Save your retarded questions for Nikoli.  
Uri kicked Nikoli, and he took off the headphones.  
"Waht the fuck do you want"? He asked.  
"If you had to choose". Uri said. "Between fucking a real sheep or a blow up sheep, which one would it be?  
Nikoli thought for a second.  
"Both". He said as he put the headphones back on. "That makes a threesome". "Hey, what's that over there?  
Uri looked out the open door.  
"I don't see anything". He replied.  
"Then maybe you need a closer look". Nikoli said.  
He then kicked Uri in the ass, making him scream as he fell from the chopper.  
"Sick bastard". Nikoli said as he laid back down. "Talkin about fucking sheep and shit.

The frightened woman ran up the stairs of a building as the hordes of zombies chased after her. She reached the roof door, and tried to remember the code, but it didn't work. So she took off her shoes and tossed the first one at the zombies. The high heel part stabbed into the zombie's brain, making him fall over the rail. She used the second shoe to stab the control panal, making the door swing open.

"Hey, look"! Carlos yelled as he saw the woman running across the roof.  
The zombies soon followed, and Carlos knew that it was hero time.  
Music from the A-Team started playing as he hooked a rope to his belt, and took out his guns.  
"To infinity". He said as he jumped out. "And beyond!  
He aimed his guns, and prepared to give the zombies a helping of lead death, but then the music stopped playing as he discovered that his rope was only 7 feet long.  
He stopped just under the chopper, and the shock made him drop his guns, hitting the woman in the head.  
She stumbled to the edge, and fell to her death.  
"HEY"! Carlos screamed as he thrashed around. "HEEEEEEY!  
Nikoli and the pilot just started laughing.  
"You're such a retard, Carlos". The pilot said.  
"What an asshole". Nikoli said. "You look like a stuck spider.  
"GET ME DOWN"! Carlos screamed.  
Nikoli took out his knife.  
"NOT LIKE THAT"! Carlos continued. "JUST LAND THIS DAMN THING.  
"We can't land". The pilot said. "Not until we take care of the zombied.  
Nikoli thought for a second, and then whispered something into the pilot's ear.  
They started laughing, and Carlos screamed as the chopper shot downward toward the zombies. But at the last second the chopper pulled up, making Carlos slam into the horde, knocking them all off the roof.  
"YOU GUYS SUCK"! Carlos screamed as the chopper landed.

Nemesis watched as a black man entered a small post office, and then he decided to follow in order to rain some death and destruction apon them.  
There was a man on the roof keeping watch.  
He sat next to a five empty bottles of Wild Turkey, wore a giant coyboy hat, and had garth brooks music blasting out of his headphones.  
Then he saw Nemesis, and decided to kill him.  
He quickly raised his rifle, and fired. But his stupid drunk ass was holding the gun backwards, so he blew his own head off instead.  
The postal workers heard the noise, and ran out with their assult rifles ready.  
They fired at him, but Nemesis quickly blew them away.  
But where was the man that he had seen earlier?  
"You done it now, foo"! Mr. T yelled as he stormed out of the post office.  
Nemesis fired, but the bullets bounced off of Mr. T's five thousend pounds of gold chains. He then picked Nemesis up, and tossed him into a dumpster.  
"Crazy ass foos". Mr. T said as he walked back toward his van. "Zombies, monsters, big freaks with big teeth, fuck this I'm goin home". "Foos round here crazier then Murdock.  
He got into his van and drove away as Nemesis pulled himself out of the dumpster.  
Then after a quick check to make sure that no one saw what happened, the monster continued on his way. 


	5. In The Church

Jill and Prayter were now headed toward a church.  
Prayter kicked open the door, and was met with the barral of a handgun.  
"THIS IS MY PLACE"! The man screamed.  
Prayter took the gun, and bitch slapped him with it. Then he pushed him inside, and made him sit down as Jill came in.  
"Give it back to him". Jill said.  
Prayter tossed it into the man's lap, and they all sat down.  
"So, why try to keep us out"? Jill asked.  
"I didn't want to share my Orange Julious". He sadly replied.  
"You're what?  
He pointed to a large cooler from Dairy Queen that was filled with ice cold orange julious.  
"MY FAVORITE"! Prayter screamed as he jumped up.  
He started to run toward it, but Jill tripped him, making him eat the floor instead.  
"I'm gonna check this place out". She said as she got up.  
"Before you go". The reporter said. "Does the RPD have a statement on the current events?  
"Where the fuck did you come from?  
"What do you mean?  
"You weren't here a minute ago.  
"Yes, I was, now do you have a statement?  
"Yes, I do.  
She held up her middle finger as she walked away.  
Jill walked down the hall, and came into a room where a fire was in the fireplace. There was a zombie tied to the bed, and a man standing next to it.  
"What the fuck"? Jill asked.  
"Me and my wife". The man explained. "Used to have sex twice a week". "But then she died, and it became four times a week.  
"Oh, my jumping god". "That is disgusting.  
She shot them both in the head, and walked back into the main room.  
"Shhhhh". Prayter said.  
"What is it"? She asked.  
"A means of telling someone to shut up, but that's not important right now". "We are not alone.  
Thunder crashed, and dramatic music started playing.  
Suddenly three lickers crashed through the window, and the scared man ran away screaming.  
"I'll get him". Jill said as she followed him.

He ran into another room, and looked around to make sure that he was alone.  
A long sharp tongue slowly moved up, and tapped him on the shoulder.  
He turned, but no one was there.  
It tapped his other shoulder, and once again there was no one there.  
"Who's there"? He asked.  
Jill walked in just as it ripped his head off, so she decided to get back into the main room.

Jill came back, and they were all in the center of the room, watching as the lickers circled them.  
"What are we gonna do"? The reporter asked.  
"We need more ammo". Prayter said. "I only have one bullet left.  
"Is this the end"? Jill asked.  
"Could this be the end of the RE team"? The announcer said. "Will Prayter get more ammo"? "Will Jill and the reporter ever have wild lesbien sex"? "Tune in next time". "Same RE time, same RE channel.  
The announcer stopped talking, and fell over from the bullet wound.  
"Correction". Prayter said. "I have no bullets left.  
The lickers started to close in, but then a light came through another window, and they heard something that sounded like an engine.  
"NO BREAKS"! Liquid screamed. "NO BREAKS"! "AHHHHHHHHHHH!  
He crashed through the window, and hit a wood beam, knocking him off the bike. The motorcycle crushed the first licker flat, and Liquid crashed onto the ground.  
Everyone just looked at him as he slowly got to his feet.  
"How did you get that bike up there"? Prayter asked.  
Liquid looked up at the third storie window that he had crashed through.  
"I don't know". He replied.  
The lickers came back, and Liquid activated his newly aquired lightsabre.  
The licker jumped at him, and he slashed, chopping it's head off. Then the other one leaped at him, but he dropped down, making the monster crash into the orange julious cooler.  
It screamed as it's brain turned completely white, and then it was dead.  
"HA HA"! Liquid yelled. "The brain freeze get's em every time!  
He spun his lightsabre around like Cloud from Final Fantasy 7, and stuck it back on his belt. But there was a cutting sound, and Liquid's pants fell down, revealing his scooby doo boxers.  
"I haven't quite figured that part out yet". He said as he pulled his pants back up. 


	6. Out Of The Frying Pan, Into The Fire

Xavior had finally lacated his daughter. She was trapped in the school, and he needed someone stupid enough to get her out.  
He had been calling payphones all damn night, and was just about to give up when someone answered.  
"Hello"? Carlos asked.  
"I want to make a deal with you". Xavior replied.  
"Who is this?  
"My name is professer Charles Xavior, and I need your help almost as badly as you need mine.  
"Who?  
"YOUR FUCKING MOTHER, THAT'S WHO!  
"Mom"? "You sound different". "Do you have a cold?  
Xavior moved the phone away from his head so that he could calm down.  
"Listen to me". He continued. "If you want to get out of the city, go to the school.  
He hung up, and started looking for other survivors.

Liquid had fixed his pants, and walked toward the church door.  
"Hey, wait". Jill called as she ran over to him.  
"What"? Liquid asked as he looked at the broken motorcycle.  
"Thanks for saving us.  
"Don't worry about it.  
"Who are you?  
He turned toward her with every intent of telling her to fuck off, but then he saw how hot she was, and how short her skirt was.  
"Um". He said as drool came out of his mouth. "Uh". "Duh, um.  
"I'm Jill". She said.  
He slapped himself in the face, and went back to normal. Memories from what happened all the times he hit on an RE girl flooded into his mind, and he didn't want to get kicked in the nuts again.  
"I'm Liquid". He replied.  
He then turned away, and walked out the back door.  
Jill, Prayter, and the reporter all followed.  
"Where are you going"? Jill asked.  
"I'm leaving the city". He replied. "Then I am going to the nearest liquor store, and not coming out for ten years.  
He stopped when he almost walked into a large rock of some kind. He would have just walked right past it, but he saw some writing.  
RIP JOHN DOE.  
Liquid turned white as he realised that they were standing in the middle of a graveyard.  
"Nobody move". He said.  
"Why not"? Prayter asked.  
"Because there are zombies underground, you retard.  
As if on cue, dozens of zombies started coming out of the ground.  
"What do we do"? Jill asked.  
"I suggest that we reach back". Liquid began. "For a stratagy that was very effective as children.  
"And that is?  
Liquid took off running.  
"RUN LIKE A BITCH"! He screamed. "MOMMY!  
They took off running across the graveyard as the zombies chased them.  
They came apon another man who was running from them.  
"Who are you"? Liquid asked as they ran.  
"I'm Tom Cruise". He replied. "Where the hell did these zombies come from?  
"Not exactly sure, but I know a way for us to get away.  
"Really, how?  
Liquid activated his lightsabre, and chopped off Tom Cruise's left leg, making him fall to the ground.  
"You bastard"! Tom Cruise screamed.  
"Thanks Tom"! Liquid yelled as the zombies started eating him. "And Top Gun was only good because Val Kilmer was in it!

They ran for about another mile, before stopping, and ducking behind a guard rail.  
"Why are we stopping"? Jill asked.  
"Because I'm fucking tired". Liquid replied.  
He took a look around, and gasped.  
"I remember this". He said. "There's something down there.  
"Where"? Jill asked.  
"Right down there?  
"What is it?  
"I don't remember, but I kow it's bad.  
Jill thought for a second.  
"I know how we can find out what it is". She said.  
"How"? He replied.  
Jill suddenly pushed Prayter out into the open, and Nemesis's chain gun ripped him apart.  
"Good job". Liquid replied. "Now what.  
Jill then kneed him in the face, made him stand up, and tossed him down the hill.  
Liquid slammed into the ground as Jill and the reporter got away.  
"Bitch"! He yelled as he got up.  
Nemesis walked toward him, and Liquid activated his lightsabre. He then ran at Nemesis, and stabbed the laser sword right through the monster's head.  
Nemesis stood there for a second, then he pulled the saber out, and crushed the laser emitter.  
"Well". Liquid said. "I don't suppose that we can talk about this.  
Nemesis shook his head.  
"Alright, then". Liquid continued. "Plan B.  
He poked Nemesis in the eye, and ran screaming down the street.  
The monster chased him until he reached a large building, and Liquid dove through the open window.  
Nemesis crashed through the wall, and was ready to kill, but Liquid had dissapeared. There was a laundry chute, so the monster looked inside, and Liquid swung down from the cieling to kick him in. But the pipe he was holding onto broke in half, and he fell to the floor.  
"Aw, crap". He said as Nemesis turned toward him.  
The monster picked him up, bashed him into the wall, and then stuffed him down the chute.  
Nemesis started to aim his gun down the chute, but then he looked on the floor, and saw what was left of Liquid's lightsaber. It was making a high pitch whine, and then it suddenly exploded, blowing Nemesis right out of the building.

Liquid coughed as the smoke from the explosion started to clear. He was in some kind of basement.  
He was also not alone.  
"Ah, Liquid". Pinhead said.  
"Shit". He whispered.  
"We thought we lost you". "How sweet of you to come back.  
"Wait, I didn't open the box!  
"And what was it last time"? "You didn't open it then, either"? "Oh, Liquid...so eager to play, yet so reluctant to admit it". "But, we do keep finding eachother, don't we?  
A chain came out of nowhere, and wrapped around Liquid's wrists.  
"You're coming with us, Liquid". Pinhead declaired as the chain started dragging him down the hall.  
"What are you gonna do to me"? Liquid asked.  
Pinhead looked at one of the other demons.  
"Get the wet suit that has the ass cut out of it". He ordered. "And release the rampant wilderbeast.  
"I'm sorry, what"? Liquid asked.  
"You are going to be tortured and humiliated". "And then we get a turn with you as well.  
"NOOOOOOOOOOO"! "Why would you do this to me?  
"Because you are worthless.  
"No, I'm not"! "I'll prove it!  
Pinhead started laughing.  
"A trial then". He said.  
The chain took Liquid away, and the others got ready for the trial. 


	7. The People Vs Liquid

Jill and the reporter continued running down the street until they could no longer hear Liquid's screaming as he ran from Nemesis.  
"Do you think we lost him"? The reporter asked.  
"Which one"? Jill replied.  
They both started laughing.  
"Seriously". The reporter continued. "Which one do you think won?  
At that moment the building exploded from Liquid's overloaded lightsabre, and they heard a loud roar as Nemesis was catipulted across the sky.  
"Maybe we should keep going". Jill said as Nemesis crashed through a building.  
They started running again, but stopped when a phone rang.  
Jill picked it up.  
"Hello"? She asked.  
"It's about damn time, bitch". Xavior scolded. "Do you have any idea how much it costs to make long distance calls to payphones?  
"Uh, no, not really.  
"It costs ALOT, that's what". "My, God, Nextel is going to have a field day with my checkbook.  
"What do you want?  
"Oh, I have a way out of the city for you.  
"Really?  
"Yes, and all you have to do is venture into a zombie infested school, and save my unholy bitch of a daughter from the evils unknown.  
"Oh, is that all?  
She then hung up.  
"Fuck that guy". She said as she started walking away.  
It rang again, and the reporter answered it.  
"We'll do it". She said.

The chain dragged Liquid into what was left of the Raccoon City court house, and bound him to the defendant's chair inside the court room.  
He struggled against it, but it was no use.  
Pinhead appeared in the center of the room, and his demons sat in the jury box.  
"Now". Pinhead said. "We will pick your attorney, as well as your prosicuter.  
"What are my choices"? Liquid asked.  
"You have three choices for your attorney". "First is Calligula Ceaser.  
"Who the fuck is Calligula Ceaser?  
"He's the roman guy who had sex with his mother, both his sisters, and then ate his son.  
"Well, damn". "I mean, we all get hungry after sex, but there's a line you just don't cross.  
"Moving on". "Next is Mr. Magoo, and your final choice is Me.  
"You?  
"Me is it.  
"Hey, wait a second.  
Pinhead kicked him in the mouth, shuting him up.  
"Next". He continued. "We will pick your prosicuter". "You can pick Harrison Ford, George Burns, or Steve Burnside.  
Liquid started laughing.  
"Yeah right". He said sarcasticly. "Like I would ever pick Steve Burnside.  
"Steve Burnside it is". Pinhead erplied.  
"Damn it". "I don't learn very fast, do I?  
"No, you don't.  
Pinhead snapped his fingers, and Steve appeared from the shadows.  
"Hey, Dicaprio". Liquid said. "What's up?  
Steve screamed as he rushed at Liquid. Then he pulled his fist back as far as he could, and socked Liquid right in the jaw, making Liquid's head tilt back.  
"Dude". Liquid said as he looked at him. "You slap like my sister.  
Steve squeeled, and began hitting him in the face as hard as he could for what seemed like an hour. Then he stopped when he got tired, and Liquid started laughing.  
"I was wrong". Liquid said. "My sister hits a little bit harder.  
"YOU SON OF A BITCH"! Steve screamed.  
"What the hell is wrong with you?  
"You left me in that cell with Leon!  
"After your trial"? "But that was four years ago, and you only got six months.  
Steve got red in the face, and started hopping up and down.  
"I GOT OUT LAST WEEK"! He screamed.  
"Oh". Liquid replied. "Did I forget to let you out"? "My bad.  
"Do you have any idea what that freak did to me in there?  
"I have a few ideas, yes.  
Steve had now had all he could take. He took Liquid's handgun off his belt, and aimed it at his head.  
"Screw the trial"! He yelled. "I'm just gonna kill your ass right here!  
He chambered a round, and pressed it into Liquid's nose.  
"Any last requests"? Steve asked.  
Liquid was in trouble now, and had to act fast. But how? He was chined to this chair, and his gun was taken away. The only thing left was his coffie thurmis.  
"THAT'S IT"! Liquid screamed.  
"That's what"? Steve asked.  
"I have a last request". "I want to drink everything that is in my thurmis.  
"Ok". "But, no tricks now.  
"Sure.  
Steve took the thurmis off Liquid's belt, and poured it down his prisoner's throat.  
"Was that good"? Steve asked.  
"Oh, yes". Liquid replied. "A yoda smoothie is always the best.  
"A what?  
Liquid tensed up his muscled, and the chain was destroyed with yoda's force powers.  
"Oh, shit". Steve said as Liquid stood up.  
Pinhead called the chains, and they hooked into Liquid, making him scream as they began pulling him in all different directions.  
"YEAH"! Steve yelled. "We got him!  
Liquid's gun then floated into the air, and shot all the chains, freeing him.  
"Well, that sucks". Pinhead said.  
Liquid then made the box float into the air, and it seemed to solve itself.  
"I'll get you Liquid"! Pinhead screamed as he and his demons were pulled back into hell.  
This left only Liquid and Steve in the room.  
"Well, well, well". Liquid said. "What do we have here?  
"Come on, Liquid". Steve said as he backed away. "It was just a joke.  
"Oh, I know". "And so is this.  
The judge's desk suddenly lifted off the floor, and crushed Steve like a pancake.  
"Court is adjorned, bitches". Liquid said as he turned toward the locked doors.  
He tried to open them, but his powers had already worn off.  
"That worthless little toad". He said. "I shouldn't have drank him all at once.  
He ran toward the window, and leaped through it, not realising that he was three floors up.  
"Oh, shit". He said as the ground got alot closer. 


	8. Half Ass Assassin, And The School

"So, why are we doing this again"? Jill asked as she and the reporter walked toward the school.  
"Because it's the only way out of here". She replied.  
"Do you really think we can trust that guy?  
"How could you not trust Patrick Stewart"? "He was the captain of the enterprise for god's sake.  
"That was also the only role besides that book in the pagemaster that he didn't die in.  
"That's not true.  
"Yes, it is". "He died in Moby Dick, he died in that movie with Christopher Lambert where he played a drug dealer, and he also died in X-Men 3.  
"They brought him back after the credits.  
"That's not the point". "The point is that his little daughter is probibly going to get us killed.  
Meanwhile, Angela was watching them on a monitor as they walked up the steps to the school.  
"Oh, how right you are". Angela said as she switched view to the mercenaries inside the building.

Liquid pulled himself out of the dumpster, and fell to the ground.  
"Stupid monsters". He said as he dragged himself to his feet. "Stupid Steve, stupid women, stupid Nemesis.  
So far on this quest he had lost his lightsabre, most of his weapons, his bike, and gotten thrown into certain death by yet another woman. But on the bright side no one in this movie seemed to know about pulling on his ear, so that was a plus.  
Something moved in the darkness, making Liquid draw his gun, but he stopped when he saw who it was.  
"Oh, my God". He said. "Are you Kurt Russel?  
"Yeah". He said as he lit up a cigar.  
"What the fuck are you doing here?  
"Oh, this is my latest movie". "Since Escape from New York was such a hit, but Escape from LA blew asshole, they decided to try it one last time with Escape from Raccoon City.  
"Sweet, when does it come out?  
"Never.  
"Huh?  
"Zombies ate the entire staff, so I'm just trying to get out of here". "You look like shit, what happened?  
"I got my ass kicked by Jill and Nemesis, before getting put on trial". "I lost my lightsabre, too.  
"You had a lightsabre"? "I always wanted one of thoes when I was a kid, but instead I spent all my money on Crack.  
"It happens.  
Kurt stood up.  
"Well, I gotta go". He said. "Oh, and by the way, you might need this.  
He handed him a box, and Liquid opened it to find another lightsabre just like the one he had before.  
"Sweet". Liquid said as he put it on his belt. "You're my hero, Kurt Russle.  
"No problem". He replied as he produced another box. "You might need these as well.  
Kurt climbed up a fire escape as Liquid opened the box.  
He was expecting to find more weapons, or a new pair of boots, or something cool like that. But what he found instead was two dozen starving weasles.  
Kurt laughed hysterrically as the weasles attacked Liquid.  
"Loser"! He yelled. "Chuck Norris will reward me handsomely for your death.  
He threw his head back, and laughed evily, but this was stopped when he saw a flash of purple, and the lightsabre flew right into his chest. This made him fall off the roof, and land right back where he started.  
The weasles circled him, and made a path as Liquid came to get his laser sword.  
"Nice try, Kurt". Liquid said as he reclaimed his lightsabre. "And it would have worked if I hadn't learned to talk to animals by watching Dr. Doolittle 517 times.  
Liquid started walking away, and the weasles started closing in.  
"And by the way". Liquid said as he looked back. "Richard Dean Anderson was way better then you in Stargate.  
Kurt Russle screamed his rage as the weasles ate him.

Carlos and Nikoli were chillin in the auditoriam of the school.  
"How the fuck are we supposed to find this girl"? Nikoli asked.  
"I don't know". Carlos replied. "All that dude said was that she was here.  
The door opened, and Jill and the reporter walked in.  
"Holy shit". Carlos said.  
"Happy birthday to us". Nikoli said. "I get the ugly one.  
"Which one's the ugly one?  
"I don't know, they're both pretty hot.  
"We can totaly hear you". Jill said as they walked in.  
The pay phone on the wall rang, and Carlos picked it up.  
"Good". Xavior said. "You are all there". "Now all you have to do is find my daughter, and you can all escape in one piece.  
"How we gettin outa here"? He replied.  
"Get my daughter, then I tell you.  
He hung up, and Carlos slammed down the phone.  
"Ok, everyone". He said. "Let's split up and find this bitch.  
They started walking toward the hall, when a zombie dog tackled Nikoli.  
"HELP ME"! He screamed as he held the dog's mouth away.  
"Naah, you're good". Carlos replied.  
"ARE YOU CRAZY"! "IT'S A DAMN ZOMBIE DOG!  
"Shouldn't we help him"? Jill asked.  
"No way". Carlos replied as he turned away. "He does this all the time". "He just wants attention.  
Nikoli continued to scream as three more dogs attacked him.  
"Quit playing around". Carlos said as they left the room.  
"HELP ME"! Nikoli screamed.  
"Quit being a bitch, Nikoli". "Now hurry up".

Liquid was happy in his victory over Kurt Russle, but was pissed that he couldn't remember the next part of the movie. He wanted to know where they went, so that he could take wonderful revenge on Jill for throwing him to Nemesis, but couldn't remember where they had gone to.  
Suddenly the payphone next to him started ringing, and he picked it up.  
"Hello, Liquid". Xavior said.  
"What do you want"? He replied. "I thought you were mad at me.  
"I am still mad for the stripper that you sent me on my 50th birthday, but we have bigger things to worry about.  
"That stripper was meant to be a friendship gift.  
"That stripper was also a man, you freak". "Now, if you want to get out of this city, you are going to help the mercenaries, the reporter, and Jill Valentine find my spoiled brat of a daughter.  
Liquid was about to tell him to fuck off, but realized the opportunity.  
"Sure, I'll help you". He said. "Just tell me where Jill went". 


	9. Save Her, Or Kill Her

The reporter took the hallway to the left, and was about 5 seconds away from turning back, when she thought she heard a little girl.  
"Help me". Angela called.  
The reporter ran toward the sound, but soon lost it.  
"Where are you"? She called.  
"In the classroom". Angela replied. "Please help me, I'm scared.  
The reporter ran into the classroom, and felt victory when she saw the little girl sitting on the floor.  
"Angela". She said as she walked over to her. "It's ok, I'm here to get you out of here.  
But apon closer examination, she realized that it was not Angela.  
"Who are you"? She asked.  
"I'm Chucky". He replied. "Wanna Play?  
Angela laughed hysterrically as the killer doll tore the reporter limb from on the monitor.  
"Why play with toys"? She asked herself. "When the toys can play with you"? "HAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHA!  
Two dogs suddenly jumped into the monitor room through the open window.  
"Shit"! She yelled as she ran out the door.

Liquid stealthly opened the window, and crept inside without making a sound. Then his foot slipped on a stack of paint cans, alerting half the school to his location as he fell.  
"Damn it". He said as he got up. "One of these days I'll get that right.  
He walked over to the door, and listened as footspeps got closer. They didn't sound like a zombie, so he opened it, and Angela ran into him.  
"Out of the way, dickhead". She ordered.  
"Woa there, little miss pottymouth". He replied. "And where are we off to in such a hurry?  
"Get lost, Liquid". "My daddy says you're a joke, and I don't have to listen to your sorry ass.  
He was about to tell her off, when she suddenly punched him in the balls, and ran off as he collapsed.  
"Little bitch". Liquid gasped as he got up.  
He was about to go after her, when two dogs came around the corner, and charged at him.  
"Hello, puppies". He said as he took out the light sabre.  
He switched it on, and quickly sliced both dogs in half.  
"Goodbye, puppies". He said as he walked away.

Angela rounded a corner, and ducked into a classroom. She locked the door, and hoped that those dogs tore Liquid into pieces.  
But then she froze when she saw the reporter's body, and realized which classroom she had just entered.  
"Hey, Angela". Chucky said as he came out of hiding.  
"Crap". She replied.  
"Time to play.  
He was about to stab her, when Jill kicked open the door, knocking Chucky across the room.  
The killer doll got up, but Jill shot him a few times, knocking him back down.  
"This way". She said.  
Jill led Angela down the hall, and into the kitchen. There was a back door, but it was locked.  
"Good job, retard". Angela said. "What the fuck do we do now?  
Chucky slowly walked into the kitchen, and laughed as he took out a bigger knife.  
"You bitches are gonna die"! He screamed as he raised it up.  
Jill and Angela hid behind a table, and tried to be quiet as the doll searched for them.  
Suddenly, Liquid came up behind him, and chopped his hand off with his lightsabre.  
Chucky screamed as Liquid picked him up, and tossed him into the microwave.  
"About 3 hours should do it". He said as he pushed start.  
Chucky screamed as he melted, and then Liquid turned toward Jill's hiding spot with his lightsabre blade activated.  
"Jill". He called. "Jill, I know you're back there.  
She stood up.  
"How the fuck are you still alive"? She asked.  
"Are you kidding"? He asked. "I survived a dozen Nemesis attacks before getting stuck here". "What you should be asking yourself is why I should let you live.  
"Uh, because I'm hot?  
"Sorry". "Claire was hot too, but I killed her". "Give me another one.  
Suddenly a hail of assult rifle bullets flew at him, making him duck behind a counter.  
"Sorry". Carlos said. "I thought that was the safety.  
"Holy shit, rocketman". Liquid replied. "Who the fuck gave you a gun?  
"Carlos, thank god". Jill said as she and Angela ran to him. "I found the girl, but this freak was gonna kill her, and make me have sex with him in horrible naughty ways". "Could you please kill him?  
Carlos gritted his teeth, and aimed at Liquid's hiding place. He fired, and the counter was reduced to a pile of dust.  
"Is he really dead this time"? Angela asked.  
Liquid then leaped over another counter, took Carlos's gun, and hit him in the head with it.  
"Not a chance". He said as he aimed it at them. "I dove to another spot while Carlos was stairing at your tits.  
"What"! She asked.  
"Of course". "Did you really think that he was listening to you?  
"Sure he was". "Carlos is a sensitive man of the new milenium.  
"Bullshit.  
She turned to him.  
"Carlos". She said. "Why did I want you to kill this guy?  
"Something about sex, right"? He asked.  
He looked at Angela.  
"Hey". He said. "When did you find her?  
Liquid started laughing, and Jill used this distraction to take his rifle.  
"Damn it". He said.  
Before she could shoot, a payphone rang.  
Angela answered it, but then Jill took it.  
"We found your god aweful daughter". She said. "Now how do we get out of here?  
"Simple". He replied. "Go to the center of town, and steal the helicopter from the dozens of heavily armed guards surrounding it.  
"Oh, is that all?  
"Yes, and you better hurry, because at dawn this city will be nuked.  
"WHAT"! They all asked.  
He hung up, and they ran out of the school.


	10. I'm No Mila Jonovich

Xavior was finishing preparations to get the hell out of dodge, when Chuck Norris grabbed his computer, and smacked him with it.

"What in the cream cheese covered hell are you doing"? He asked.

"Trying to save my daughter". He replied. "Just like you told me".

"Chuck Norris told you no such thing, you crazy ass Captain Picard looking mother fucker". "You tried to pull some shady shit, and now you will feel Chuck Norris's wrath"! "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"!

"Why do you do that"?

"Huh"?

"You always refer to yourself in the third person, and it's fucking annoying".

Chuck Norris got red in the face, and steam started comming out of his ears.

"NO ONE QUESTIONS CHUCK NORRIS"! He screamed.

He then roundhouse kicked Xavior, sending him to the floor.

Meanwhile, on top of the skyscraper.

"You want me to do WHAT"? Liquid asked.

"Oh, come on". Carlos said. "It's easy, just like jumping from a helicopter".

"I saw what happened to you last time you jumped from a chopper, and there is no way in hell that I am about to try some crazy ass stunt like this, no way, no how, NO".

"Quit being a bitch, Liquid". "It worked on spiderman, didn't it"? "How hard could it be if Toby Maguire did it"?

"My god, you are absolutly right". "If it worked in a multi billion dollar movie, it just has to work in this thirty seven cent piece of shit".

Liquid then kicked him in the nuts for his incompetence.

"Mila Jonovich could do it". Jill said.

"Mila Jonovich". Liquid said as he faced her. "Is a beautiful and talented actress, who makes a millions to spit out one liners, and kick people". "I on the other hand have to kick people for free, and although I may be talented and easy on the eyes, I AM NOT FUCKING PAID TO DO STUPID STUNTS THAT JACKIE CHAN WOULDN'T EVEN DO"!

It was then that Liquid realised that he was already in the harness.

"When the fuck did this happen"? He asked.

"We tied you up during your speech". Jill replied.

She then pushed him, and the rope stopped when he was just barely still holding on to the roof.

"Now pay attention". Jill said. "All you have to do is run down the side of the building, and take out the guards".

"Oh, is that all"? Liquid asked sarcastically.

She pushed the button, and Liquid tried to run down the building, but it was more then obvious that he was no Mila Jonovich as he lost his footing and started bouncing off the wall on his way down.

"Do you think we should stop him"? Carlos asked.

Suddenly the rope broke, and Liquid screamed as he shot toward the guards.

"What happened"? Jill asked.

"I don't know". Angela said as she tossed her knife over the edge.

The two guards just stood there.

Hey, Charlie". He said. "Can I ask you something"?

"Sure, Bob". He replied.

"Do you think that your sister would let me stick it in her ass"?

Suddenly there was a screaming sound, and they jumped back as Liquid slammed into the ground five feet away from them.

He moaned, and the guards just looked at him.

"Look at this jackass". Charlie said.

"Dude must be crazy to try something stupid like that". Bob replied. "Who the fuck does he think he is, Mila Jonovich"?

Liquid's Lightsabre suddenly activated, and Charlie screamed as the blade slashed right through both of his ankles.

"MY FEET"! He screamed as he went down. "HE CUT OFF MY FEET"!

Liquid swung again, chopping off his head, and Bob just kind of stood there as Liquid slowly got to his feet.

"For the last god damn time". Liquid said. "I do not think that I am Mila Jonovich".

He sliced Bob in half, and realised that they were the only guards. This meant that he could take the helicopter for himself.

He started toward it, but stopped when 50 armed guards surrounded him.

"Shit". Liquid said as they moved closer. "But it's ok, I'm sure that Jill and Carlos are coming to save me right now".

"Hi, Liquid". Jill and Carlos said as the guards brought them in in handcuffs. "They found us".

The guards moved in to arrest him, but then he decided that it was time to end this.

"DIE MOTHER FUCKERS"! He screamed as he raised his lightsabre.

But suddenlt Chuck Norris came out of left field, and roundhouse kicked him, knocking him uncounious.

"Bring him". He ordered. "It's time for the final fight". 


	11. Liquid Vs Nemesis

The prisoners were moved to the center of the heliport, and while Carlos Jill Angela and Xavior were taken to the side, Liquid was moved to the very center.

Chuck Norris had him in a sleeper hold, and Liquid was desperatly trying to come up with a plan for escape, when he saw who was waiting for him.

"Hello, Liquid". Xing said. "And how are we feeling today"?

"Oh, pretty good". He replied. "Impending death always brightens up my day".

"Glad to hear it". "I wouldn't want you to feel disapointed".

"What do you want, anyway"?

Xing thought for a second.

"What do I want"? He asked. "Let's see now...oh yes". "BLOODY VENGENCE"!

"For what"? Liquid replied. "You've paid me back for everything that I've ever even thought of doing to you, and it's getting a bit old".

Liquid suddenly stomped on Chuck Norris's foot, elbowed him in the stomach, punched him in the face, and sliced him with the lightsabre. But to Liquid's disapointment, the laser blade simply bounced off of his enemy no matter how many times he struck him.

"You see"? Xing asked as Liquid backed away. "Chuck Norris is just a tiny bit harder to kill then Garth Brooks was".

"Well, then". Liquid said as he turned off the beam. "My instincts tell me that it is time for my plan B".

"What's plan B"?

"Well, B stands for Bitch".

"Bitch"?

"Yeah, Bitch as in RUN LIKE ONE"!

He turned heel, and bolted for the door, but Nemesis came out of nowhere, grabbed him by the throat, and chokeslammed him.

The prisoners watched as Nemesis took Liquid back to Xing.

"Do you think he can beat these guys"? Carlos asked.

"Beat them"? Jill asked. "I'm shocked as hell that this retard is still alive".

Nemesis pushed Liquid away, and took off his coat.

"The two of you". Xing announced. "Will now fight to the death".

The guards began placing bets on how horrible Liquid's death would be, and Xavior used this moment to escape.

"Angela". He said. "Be a good girl, and push daddy over to that helicopter".

"Ok". She said as she got behind him.

She started pushing, and Xavior screamed as she sent him right over the edge of the building.

"Bye, daddy"! She called. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"!

"FIGHT TO THE DEATH"! Xing screamed. "READY, GO"!

Liquid was about to run again, but then he started thinking. He had been getting progressivly stronger throuought his adventures. He had defeated two other versions of this monster in the past, so now it should pretty easy. Yes, he was assured victory, and it showed as he charged at his enemy.

It also showed that he was very wrong.

Nemesis swatted him away like a fly, and then stepped on his chest, slowly crushing him like a bug.

The life was draining from him, and it seemed like this was the end for everyone's favorite villan, Liquid. But then it came to him. It was a stratagy from deep within his childhood that he had used in one of his other adventures when he was faced with a battle against the giant lobster.

He sat up as far as he could, and sank his teeth into Nemesis's leg.

Unfourtionatly, this did next to nothing, and Nemesis laughed as he kept crushing.

Chuck Norris suddenly tossed Liquid his lightsabre, and he used it to chop off the monster's foot, freeing himself.

"What the fuck, man"? Xing asked.

"Why not"? Chuck Norris asked. "They did it for Mila Jonovich".

Xing smacked him in the face, and then watched the rest of the battle.

By this time, Liquid had cut off Nemesis's arms and legs, and was now standing over him with the blade at the monster's neck.

"Now, you die"! He yelled as he raised the blade.

"Wait"! Nemesis yelled.

"Wait"? "Wait for what"? "And since when can you talk"?

"It's me, Johnny, your buddy from college".

"Really"?..."You look different".

"Yeah, that's what sitting too close to the tv will do to you".

"Yeah, it happens". "By the way, do you have that 5 bucks you owe me"?

"Uh, no". "I had to spend it".

Liquid then screamed his rage as he brought the blade down on Johnny.

"Well, that sucks". Xing said. "Thoes Nemesis monsters aren't cheap, you know". "And as payment, YOU WILL BE SHOT"!

The guards aimed their rifles, and got ready to fire. 


	12. The Wrath Of Chuck Norris

The guards had him surrounded, and it seemed like all was lost.

"Look at it this way". Jill said. "We might lose here, but atleast we won't have to deal with that moron anymore".

This hope was suddenly shattered as Liquid rolled out of the way, and picked up Nemesis's Chain-Gun.

"SWEET MOTHER OF CRAP"! The guards screamed as he pushed the button.

The large gun screamed as it mowed down all of the guards. The prisoners ducked out of the way, Xing wasn't scared of no bullets, and Chuck Norris simply roundhouse kicked each one that came at him.

The gun soon ran out of ammo, and Liquid smiled at the carnage that he had caused.

"That's right, assholes"! He yelled. "RESPECT MY GANGSTA"!!!!!!!!

"Did he really just say 'respect my gangsta"? Carlos asked.

"I'm afraid so". Jill replied.

Suddenly Angela pulled her hands out of her ropes, and started running toward the chopper. She stopped when she realized that she couldn't fly it, so she picked up a gun from one of the guards, and pointed it at Jill and Carlos.

"Which of you two fuckers can fly a chopper"? She asked.

"Um". They replied.

"I can". Liquid said. "Don't you dare leave without me".

"You ain't goin nowhere". Xing said. "Except to an early, or should I say, a long over due death". "Chuck Norris, ATTACK"!!!!!!!!!!

Angela freed the others as Chuck Norris began beating the living shit out of Liquid. Then they ran for the chopper, but Carlos stopped after getting into the pilot's seat.

"What's wrong"? Jill asked.

"No keys". He replied sadly.

Outside, Liquid's beating continued. He had never encountered an enemy like this before, and even with his great fighting skills, and enhanced healing powers, it was only a matter of seconds before he was collapsed on the ground.

"Now do you see"? Xing asked again. "No mortal man can defeat Chuck Norris". "Now, finish him off"!

"Why are you doing this"? Liquid asked.

"Huh"? Chuck Norris replied.

"You're supposed to be a good guy".

"Not anymore".

"Come on, man". "You were Walker Texas Ranger". "And what about how you helped those guys out at the end of the movie, Dodgeball".

Liquid could see that Chuck Norris was beginnign to doubt himself, and this was a good thing.

"I was bad in Karate Cop". Chuck Norris argued.

"But you made up for it in Sidekicks". Liquid replied. "Only a true good guy could make it through that entire movie without kicking that Barry kid's ass".

And then what happened, in Raccoon City they say, Chuck Norris's heart grew three sizes that day. He stood on the edge of the building, and shot his finger into the air.

"LIQUID IS RIGHT"! He screamed. "I HAVE LET THE POWER OF CHUCK NORRIS BE USED FOR EVIL, BUT THAT IS ALL IN THE PAST"! "FROM NOW ON I WILL FIGHT FOR TRUTH JUSTICE AND THE...

He was interupted as Liquid rammed his shoulder into his back, sending Chuck Norris falling over the edge.

"That won't stop him for long". Liquid said as he started running toward the chopper. "We need to get out of here before he gets back up here"!

Xing blocked his path.

"OH, COME ON"! Liquid screamed.

"I can't let you leave, Liquid". He replied.

"Why not"? "I beat everything you tossed at me". "This is the seventh punishment that I have survived, and if you honor the agreement we made before the first one, if you hinder me by yourself in any way, I get my powers back, and you can never punish me again".

Xing thought about this for a second, and then stepped aside.

"You might win this time, Liquid". He said. "But, I still have plenty of other material to give you". "There are plenty of mini games, and Resident Evil 5 is coming out pretty soon". "You should also expect a blast from your past here in the upcoming months".

Without saying goodbye, Liquid ran into the chopper.

"By the way". Xing said. "Chuck Norris has the only keys, BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAH"! "The missiles are on their way"!!!!!!!!!!!

Xing then vanished, and Liquid took a key out of his pocket.

"One of these days". Liquid said as he pushed Carlos out of the chair. "People will learn not to grapple with me".

He started it up, and they were almost out of the city when the nuke exploded, destroying the city. It looked like they were in the clear, but then a clothespin was rocketed toward them by the explosion. It shattered the window, and attached itself to Liquid's ear, paralyzing him, and making him fall on the controls.

"WE'RE GOING DOWN"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Carlos screamed.

It crashed into the mountainside, and everyone was unhurt, so they started running away.

"Hey"! Liquid called. "What about me"!

"There's no time". Jill said. "We need to get out of here".

"Wait". Angela said.

She ran back into the chopper where Liquid was laying.

"Oh, thank you". He said. "Such a sweet little girl, I always knew that you were nice".

She then reached into his pocket, and took his wallet.

"We can go now". She said as she ran back to the others.

"HEY"! Liquid screamed as they ran off. "HEY YOU FUCKERS"! "DON'T LEAVE ME HERE"! "HEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY"!!!!!!!!!!

Suddenly the Umbrella soldiers showed up, and dragged him away. 


	13. My Name Is Liquid

Deep inside the hidden underground umbrella labratory, the staff had been invited to see the newest breakthrough to happen with the T-Virus. They all waited with antisipation, and staired at the covered water tank in the center of the room.

All of the scientists were watching from on the balcany that went all around the room, and the only ones by the tank were the scientist Dr. Bill and his two assistants.

"Tonight". He said. "Fellow immoral scientists, you are to wittness the latest breakthrough in viral chemecal research, and the ultimate biological weapon is to be mine".

The scientists started clapping, but then they gasped as the assistants took the cover away from the tank, revealing the bandaged figure floating within.

"That's right". Dr. Bill continued. "Not only will I resurrect the terrorist known as Liquid, but I will make it so that a few of his author powers will function again".

The assistants went over to a control panal, and began pushing buttons. This caused the lights to go out, and the scientists got scared.

"What the fuck are you jackoff's doing over there"? Dr. Bill asked. "Did I tell you to push anything yet, you stupid little sideshow freaks"? "Turn the god damn lights back on before I feed you to the neptune sharks".

The lights came back on, and Dr. Bill got ready to do his work.

"Throw open the switches on the thingamigig whachyamacallit". He ordered.

"The what"? His assistant asked.

"The bright yellow button, and the three knobs". "Now step up the machine with the blinking yellow lights 3 more points".

"How many"?

"Three".

"Uh, oh".

"Uh, oh"? "What the fuck is Uh, oh"?

"I turned it up ten".

"WHAT"?!

Suddenly a bright white light filled the room, and when it faded, the water was gone from the tank, and the bandaged Liquid was standing there. He pulled back his fist, and punched the glass, cracking it. Then he grabbed his fist, and screamed in pain. He kicked the glass a few times, and it finally shattered, allowing him to walk out, but his bandages kept him from seeing the step, and he fell to the floor.

Once he was back on his feet, an assistant moved to cut the bandages away from his head. That was when the scientists started to feel strange. They began tapping thier feet, and swaying back and forth. Music could almost be heard in the background as the bandages were removed from Liquid's head.

"Oh, Liquid"! Dr. Bill gasped.

Suddenly music began to play full blast, and the scientists found themselves unable to move.

"The sword of damicles is hanging over my head". Liquid sang. "And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cuttin the thread". "Oh, woe is me". "My life is a misery, oh, HO, can't ya see"? "That I'm at the start of a pretty big downer"?

The assistants started cutting his bandages away.

"I woke up this morning, and it started when I fell out of bed". Liquid sang.

"That ain't no crime". The scientists were forced to sing.

"And left from the dream was the feeling of inemical dread".

"That ain't no crime".

"My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go, and all I know is that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer".

"Sha na na na, that ain't no crime". The scientists were forced to sing as Liquid spun out of the bandages, revealing that he was now dressed like Ba'al from Stargate SG-1. "No no, sha na na na, that aint no crime, no no, that ain't no crime, no no no".

Liquid ran up to the scientists.

"The sword of damicles is hanging over my head". He sang as they tried to resist. "And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cuttin the thread". "Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery, aaaaaaaand, cant you see"? "That I'm at the start of a pretty big downer"?

"LIQUID"! Dr. Bill screamed.

He began chasing Liquid around the room as the scientists continued to sing and dance, but then Liquid slipped on some water and hit his head, making the music stop as as he fell onto the handrails.

"Well, really". Dr. Bill said as he caught up to him. "That's no way to behave on your first day out".

Now that order had been restored, they could resume testing.

"Do you remember your name"? Dr. Bill asked.

"Uh". Liquid replied, still woozy from hiting his head.

Dr. Bill wrote something, and Liquid found himself looking at the pen for some reason.

"This is a pen". He said. "Would you like to try"?

Liquid took the pen, and Dr. Bill screamed as he rammed it through the scientist's hand, pinning it to the clipboard.

"My name is Liquid". Liquid said, no longer woozy. "And I'm about to kill everyone in this building".

He punched Dr. Bill in the stomach, making him fly across the room. A guard took a shot at him, but he dodged, making it hit a scientist in the head. Liquid then picked up another scientist, and tossed him into the guard.

The doors were automaticaly locked, so everyone was getting weapons to kill this evil bastard. They rushed at him, but Liquid was ready.

"STOP"! He yelled, freezing them in their tracks. "HAMMER TIME"!

They all dropped their weapons, and screamed as they were forced to dance in a style not seen since 1991.

"Yes"! Liquid yelled as he walked toward where he had tossed Dr. Bill. "NOW DANCE UNTIL YOU DIE"! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"!

Dr. Bill was unefected, and was trying to get away, when Liquid dashed over to him Wesker style, and lifted him up by the throat.

"I guess I should thank you". Liquid said. "It's been so long since I had any of my powers at my disposel". "I could use the music one from time to time, but now it's back the way it should be".

He forced Dr. Bill's head into the retnal scanner, opening the door. Then he tossed the scientist aside, and walked down the hall.

A guard was watching from the security room, and was about to call for help, when Liquid smiled at the camera. Suddenly the guard screamed as he began tap dancing so fast that he burst into flames.

Once outside, 20 guards got in his path, but suddenly a black car pulled up, and Carlos and Jill got out.

"Why are we here again"? Jill asked.

"I don't know". He replied. "I was trying to find the burger king, but I must have taken a wrong turn".

They then noticed Liquid.

"Oh, crap". They said.

Liquid pushed Carlos back into the car, and gave Jill a big kiss before pushing her back into the car as well. Then he got into the back seat, and ordered Carlos to drive.

"How are you still alive"? Angela asked as they started moving.

Liquid kicked open her door, and tossed her out, catching her an instant before she hit the ground. Then he reached into her pocket, took his wallet back, and dropped her.

"We can't just leave her". Carlos said as she rolled away.

"Can't we"? He asked.

"Please"? Jill asked while making her eyes real big like the cat from Shrek 2.

"FINE"! Liquid yelled. "We can get the little bitch"!

They stopped the car, and Angela got back in.

"What the fuck did they do to you in there"? Jill asked.

"Is it too late to take him back"? Angela asked.

"Keep it up, Angela". Liquid replied. "I'll pay you back for everything when you turn 16".

"What's that supposed to mean"?

"Oh nothing, NOW WILL SOMEONE DRIVE THIS GOD DAMN CAR"!?

They sped off toward the distance, not knowing what was going to happen next. 


End file.
